questions

Time is such an odd thing. I guess it really does proceed at an invariable rate, but it's crazy how our perception of it can affect our experiences. I spent ten weeks in Chicago this summer, and those ten weeks changed me. After three days at home, already I see how easy it would be to slip back into the old me. But the truth is, I did change. And I am still figuring out a lot of what that means for me.
My usual enthusiasm for returning to MC is missing. I know some of what faces me will be harder than anything I've done to this point in my life. Do you think maybe that's why I had to go through the summer? I mean, if it's true that God works all things according to His purpose, then maybe this summer was all just preparation for what has to come next in my life. Perhaps I won't have a normal life.
When I was like 12 I thought God was calling me to missions. Perhaps that wasn't so far-fetched after all. Maybe 12 year old me had something right.
I mean, I don't know, but I know there's gotta be something more than the life I've seen so far. Surely there's a reason for the experiences in my life like this summer. I don't want cheap religion. I don't want boring, riskless, comfortable Christianity. I don't want prejudice and hate. I want to love people more than they deserve. I want to see beyond me. Better yet, I want to forget me completely.

What if this life I've been planning for the past 21 years isn't really what He has for me? What if He wants more for me than a comfortable existence as an apathetic English teacher who doesn't really care a whole lot about what she's doing? I mean, I know there's nothing wrong with being an English teacher, but if that's not my calling, then I don't want to disobey. I don't want to settle because I paid for a degree in English Ed, because I always said it's what I'd do, because I'm too scared to take some chances and get messy. I don't want to miss a blessing because I can't trust. I just want to obey. And I'm not sure exactly what all that means right now. But I have a feeling it might take me in some unexpected directions. And I think I'm willing to follow. The cross before me, the world behind me. That's not exactly reassuring in a worldly sense- look! up there! that's the instrument of torture I'm traveling towards! But man...putting that world behind me is such a sweet sensation. I will follow my Jesus, wherever He leads me. He conquered that grave. Jai Messi! No turning back, no turning back.