me again

Well, it's me again...hope you enjoyed the guest post from Alybug. She's pretty excellent. (and crazy)
So here's what's happening.

I don't remember my last post, but since the summer I've been dealing with a lot. Specifically in the past month I realized that Satan was really dragging me down in terms of self-worth, fear, confusion, etc. I was struggling with a lot of things like not knowing where God was leading...not being able to find His Voice amongst all the others that were telling me how silly my life was, how invalid my ideas were, how inconsequential my feelings were, how worthless I was.
So through some tears and hurt, through some memories and pain, I realized Satan was using some hard experiences in my life to tear me to pieces. Summer missions changed me in so many ways, and in the midst of figuring out who I was after this experience, the Liar and invaded and planted some untruths in my self-image. Somehow this went by unnoticed for a while, but I finally fell apart, immersed in uncertainty and fear.
That's when God stepped in...

He Named me. He used friends, family, and leaders to speak truth into my life and into my heart. Not that the process is over- I'm still struggling. I still have some questions and doubts. I still have some insecurities. But my prayer is much like what the father in scripture prays...
See, after Jesus's transfiguration, He comes down off the mountain and finds his disciples in the middle of a debate that they're quickly losing. A man has brought His son to Jesus' disciples. The son is possessed by a demon which is destroying him. It basically causes him to have seizures and has thrown him into fire and water, and the family is desperate for help. The disciples have been able to do nothing for the child- they could not cast out this demonic spirit. The man cries out to Jesus- begs him, (vs 22) "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” (23) And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” (24) Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”
This has been my prayer. See, I love how this man thinks. He's desperate for a solution, deeply distressed, can't see any way out. I felt that need...for weeks I'd been trying with all my might to work up the strength to master this. I'd been working hard trying to produce in myself enough faith to abolish the fears and doubts. But like the disciples, I couldn't get this spirit of defeat away from me. Finally, I realized that I didn't have to. My prayer became like the father- "Lord I believe; help my unbelief!" And God answered this! I realized that I can fight and fight and fight, but in the end, it is God who fights for me and who produces faith in me. He is the initiator and He is the completion, and I KNOW that He who began this work in me will be faithful to complete it.

So...
Here I am. Still a little confused, still without answers, still learning. But I am not alone. My Father knows the plans He has for me...I have only to trust Him with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding, acknowledge Him in all I do. And He WILL make my paths straight. And so, with the help of the God who Names me, here I am:
me again.